This Tree Is Lonely
Monday, April 30th, 2007As spring moves along its way and summer seems to be just around the corner, I realize that I have nothing to do… even more than usual, and that is so depressing that it hurts.
Being in between things, no job, no current tasks to achieve, even when you have a set agenda in a few months (like I do) doesn’t help the fact that you’re pointlessly unemployed and spend the day on pointless errands that do nothing more than enrage you.
That is why I look to inanimate things, and pick on their insecurities. It’s like when that 5th grade bully beat the crap out of you for wearing a Ninja Turtles t-shirt, or for not liking ACDC as much as he did, or for not drinking that swamp water that he made for you in the cafeteria. But this is easier. Nobody gets hurt.
You can pick on a rock, tell it that it’s fat and will never reach its parents’ expectations. The rock will stay fat, and you will feel vindicated. Tell that flower that it’s a stupid hippy who is not supporting our troops and doesn’t really know the pain and suffering of war. You can also tease the flower for being dumped by his girlfriend, and that nobody will find him beautiful again ever and it’ll have to work at the same gas station for all eternity.
It’s win win!
And nobody is hurt… except maybe those around you, seeing you yell at stuff… kind of like a psycho. But that’s cool though.
April 30th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
Im sorry to hear that sir. Why not get a job? I didn’t want one either… Or… play the field! Get yoself a woman… or man. Idk, they take up a lot of time. But that would mean less comics…. sooo… more boredom and depression = more comics? hmm… tuff choice. I like you, so be happy. NOW. DO IT. Or just yell at flowers. See what I do when im bored? I talk to people I dont know. Just be happy you arent doing what I am. ;_;
April 30th, 2007 at 9:22 pm
These comics are just amazing.
Props to you, my good sir.
May 1st, 2007 at 7:35 am
That is one of the greatest ideas I’ve ever heard. I’ve always hated inanimate objects, but I have never tried yelling at them.
Look out world, I will soon be yelling at a table/flower/bike/squirrel near you.
May 1st, 2007 at 2:39 pm
You can always roll in dead stuff. That’s what I do.
May 1st, 2007 at 4:38 pm
Yer always bossing me around! Goddam punk.
May 2nd, 2007 at 8:25 am
Wow… I’m sorry Derelict Joe… who’da thought that you existed and weren’t just a wonderful figment of my imagination.
That’s kind of creepy that you’re coming out of my head like that. This better not be like the “Elm Street” series where dreams come alive and I become dead. Cause living is kinda my bread and butter right now.
May 5th, 2007 at 2:51 pm
This is the greatest cartoon i have ever read.
Will you marry me? (meaning it)
May 5th, 2007 at 5:26 pm
What if you’re a Shintoist, Dave? Then all that stuff has spirits in too. I’m surprised you wouldn’t consider ideas about animism given your time spent in Japan. Tsk tsk.
May 6th, 2007 at 3:53 pm
Why would you only yell at inanimate objects? There are plenty of animate ones worthy of your attention. Cats are a good example of this. When I see a cat, I loudly proclaim it to be a cat, just to let it know where it stands in the universe. Not dogs though. They try to attack me sometimes. Birds are excellent to yell at. They think they’re soo good flying around like that, if they think they’re so great, why don’t they try dodging traffic on the road like the rest of us??? Cuz they DIE! So I yell that to them, and they fly off, probably to cry in their nest.
But of all thigs to yell at, I enjoy yelling at my food the most. Sure people stare at me in restaurants, but I get great satisfaction from cursing and threatening things edible, and then declaring their future prominently.
After telling that piece of toast that you’re “gonna masticate it to death”, seeing it quiver in my hands appeases my soul. And it tastes like victory. I also believe it polite to then tell the toast it is firmly within mah belly… for now.
May 8th, 2007 at 9:17 am
The only time I talk to food is when it is already in my belly and causing me stomach pains.
“Oh… why did I eat you 2 week old cheese? What did I ever do to you?”
“Oh, mysterious peanut or something that looked like a peanut that I found underneath the couch. WHY?”
May 8th, 2007 at 4:49 pm
lmfao. can i have the tree??? PLEASE????
May 12th, 2007 at 9:30 am
This comic is the awesome
May 14th, 2007 at 10:14 pm
Yelling at anything is a good stress reliever when you don’t have a soul.
I yell at the following:
People
TVs
Newscaster
The News
Band members
Cats
dogs
birds
squirrels
your mother
my mother
Flowers
trees
rocks
blades of grass
whales
baby seals (they think they’re so damn cute)
May 16th, 2007 at 11:20 pm
you should always yell at your ipod
for when it plays bad songs
well no
not the ipod
the artists
for making those songs
ie.
SHUT UP AEROSMITH
but then you dont delete it from your ipod
cuz secretly you love the song
and when nobodies around
you sing it as loud and as badly as you can
because you want to marry it
…
no im not insane
NOT ONE BIT
May 29th, 2007 at 2:23 pm
what about those irritating fat kids that live in the neighborhood? those ones that follow you and your friends around, and try to make fun of you so they can be “cool” because they made fun of an older kid. they’re fun to yell at.
sometimes they cry, and they don’t screw with you any more.
June 21st, 2007 at 8:36 am
i think this is a brilliant idea !!!!! p.s can i have the tree
June 21st, 2007 at 8:37 am
i agree with will and liz
June 21st, 2007 at 5:32 pm
long live the victory toast.
when you mock something inanimate it always comes back to you. not “OMFG who knew it’s branches were deadly” but some girl sees it as a tortured soul and decides to heal it, and it shyly tells her he has a crush on her, and their together now and it’s laughing at you everytime it walks by, cuz it’s got the girl, and you’ve got anger issues. yea, trees do kinda suck….